CN: Anxiety, Self checking, intrusive thoughts

 

Change is one of the only constants in our lives. Our feelings and thoughts are constantly shifting, the weather goes from sunny to rain and the seasons change like clockwork.

It is something that I don’t find very comfortable, big changes like moving house and small changes like dinner with friends pushed back half an hour. I’m trying to be more okay with change, and I think I’m getting better at dealing with it. I take it moment by moment rather than think about the whole thing as it makes it easier to deal with.

My anxiety changes too. The things that cause me to feel hot, panicked and tearful have shifted over the years. The fear of talking about the fears/worries/thoughts makes it even worse because it means I keep pushing it away rather than try to accept it.

I used to worry about being late. Then I worried about getting breast cancer. Then I worried about being psychotic. Then I worried about intrusive thoughts.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to other worries because they are easier than others. Its a lot easier to deal with a fear of being late for a train than to fear intrusive thoughts! Currently my worry is about self checking, I self check that I am sane and together, so I question thoughts in my head, question my strong side, doubt my coping strategies. It hit me very badly before Easter and I had two days of being paralysed and trapped by this fear. And its hard, because you try to think your way out of it, but that’s hard to do when your mind is busy worrying!

I cannot think my way out of anxiety because then it keeps the cycle going. Instead I accept it. I let the worry come and I let it take up space. Then I just breathe and allow it to pass again. I try to not get caught up rather just say “Ah I know this thought! This is coming from my worried side and it’s not something I have to give attention too”

It’s slowly helping. It’s getting easier to be with, but its going to take time.

So change is important in life. I’ve changed my coping strategies, changed the colour of my hair, seen my friends change. I am learning to find a comfort in change. Because it means that things will shift and pass, but also some things will get easier to deal with and that is change in itself.

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