I have been feeling at odds with myself for the last couple of weeks, my mind has been so busy but I haven’t been feeling the same anxiety. This change or shift has made me worry that something is seriously wrong. I am so familiar with feeling panic, the same old worries, the same old thinking traps. But it feels like something shifted inside of me and it’s making me panic.
So I’ve been pushing it all down. Trying to force myself to be okay with constant thinking and constant vigilance. the moment i feel worried or tense I just try to shut it down with re-framing thoughts, diffusion techniques or mindfulness.
And that’s the problem. I’ve been seeing it as a success as I counter every thought with reassurance or distraction or something that I’ve got in my toolkit of “dealing healthily with anxious thoughts”. I’ve been so focused on BEING WELL and DOING THE RIGHT THING i haven’t noticed I’ve actually been hiding from my thoughts and feelings.
I’ve been making myself more and more scared of them because I haven’t allowed myself to just let them come and go, watch them as an observer. I’ve skipped that step and immediately rushed onto the part that always makes me feel better. and its stopped making me feel better. so then I’ve been worrying that all of its going to pot and i’m failing in my abilities, despite trying so hard to be DEALING WITH IT HEALTHILY. And my critical side has been running wild – saying i’m not doing well enough or i’m not coping well or i’m not making progress – which had lead to stress levels.
It all came to a head this morning when I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I just wanted to lie in the dark and wake up again totally fixed and brand new. I cried and cried, positive i was going mad or getting sicker or was going to have to start recovery all over again. After a long chat with my mum, I let myself breakdown. I let myself feel what I’d been pushing away. and it was hard and difficult and meant i had to face up to my pain.
I will move forward now. I’m going to try my best to not get too introspective of my thoughts and feelings, to not constantly monitor “am i okay? oh no i need to feel different to this!!!”. I will watch my anxious or intrusive thoughts as they float into my mind and I will let them do so. Pain is pain but adding resistance to pain makes you suffer more.
I will try be kind to myself. I am undoing years of distorted thinking and behavior and I do not have to have it all together all the time. i am not supposed to always be the strong one, I can allow myself space to feel crappy. I will try pay more attention to my body, my external world and try to stop constantly monitoring my inner one.
I will get up tomorrow and try make peace with my mind again.